Am I Sure?

[Cherry]

“Are you sure?”
I nod.
“Really sure?”
I nod yet again.
“Are you positive? Because there is no turning back, no second chance, once this is done…”
And before I could nod in response, she shoved me, shoved me hard. I lost my balance, unable to regain it, thanks to my wrists being bound, bound with rope. Before I hit the water, before I hit my death, I glimpsed the paling moon reflecting itself onto the lake. I was about to smile, smile at the moon, as that once made me happy. But the water, the deathly cold water, met me before I knew it. I greeted the water back. My body sank rather quickly, quickly but ever so gently. It was as if Death itself was trying to welcome me, trying to make this easier. It is now, now that the smile came to me. I found this amusing. Peaceful, even. My head began to hurt slightly, my lungs pulsing. I looked up at the surface, and saw her hovering above. My love, my friend, and now as I look up at her from this icy grave, my killer. I blew a kiss, a kiss that came out as once-precious air. The bubbles swarmed up, up faster than any Kentucky racehorse. They reached the air, and there they were released, released once more back into life. I was glad, glad that I wasn’t thinking about my throbbing heart, or of the people I’d hurt. My vision began to get worse, worse than the light-headedness. I felt sleepy, oh so very sleepy. My head drooped, my shoulders relaxed.

I sighed,................

with the last,..................

.................

of my life,

......................


.....................................

and,……

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

[$MiLe$!=)]

:o What happens next please tell me what happens next. I'm dying for more! That was just so good cherry. Write more PLEASE! Why did they gag her and throw her in the river? What did she do? Who had she hurt? Did she die or did some miracal happen? :? Too many questions! PLEASE write more. You have a knack for it. Now I'm hooked. What happened cherry! Write more soon. o-o

[Rococo maiden]

I loved this story. . .It was very powerfully written! I loved the way it was both tragic and beautiful. I want to hear more as well :yum:

[Cherry]

:blush: Oh my, well thank you both! :D I'm glad you like it!! Hmm I never really intended this prose to continue, but perhaps I can do segments at a time..... ;)

[Kamikaze_Jen]

Wow! Amazing!
It's like I actually feel the water rushing through me as I read you're story. But I didn't drown as I paced my eyes. Luckily.
Marvelous~!

- Jen

[Cherry]

Aww, thank you lots ^^ I'm glad you didn't drown. That wouldn't be good. :p If I get inspired I'll write another one, he-he.

[LolitaMaiko]

Wow! I really liked the imagery and final thoughts that the first person was having. I could completely see it all in my head.. *shivers from the cold water*

This is just an attempt at constructive criticism, so don't think that I don't like the way you write things! (it's lovely actually!) It's just this one line kinda broke it for me..

....The bubbles swarmed up, up faster than any Kentucky racehorse....
the choice of comparison words.. kinda caught me off guard I guess. Perhaps change "Kentucky Racehorse" (as it is a bit of a Allusion anyways..[not illusion, allusion (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allusion), btw]) Um.. maybe "The bubbles swarmed up, as if life itself abandoning me." or "up faster than my blurring eyesight could see" something relating to drowning I guess.. (and not race horses.. sorry again if this sounds mean!)

Ohh, just as a side note, after inhaling x-amount of water people get knocked out.. not that it really matters in a story.. but it's a good way to commit suicide. (it's hard to inhale water though)

And lastley.. the ending could maybe be altered. (maybe.. if you felt like it) Perhaps relating to the tile of the peice? "And so I continued to sink until I finally hit the bottom. Then it occured to me.. no, I'm not sure. Maybe I still want to live! But it was too late.. everything became dark, my eyes shut, never to open again." or just a few finishing words saying why the person wanted to drown.. or.. whatever else you can think of.

My words are just to critique! Please use them however you may.. or just forget I ever said them! Which ever works best for you.
(sorry for length)

[Kamikaze_Jen]

the choice of comparison words.. kinda caught me off guard I guess. Perhaps change "Kentucky Racehorse" (as it is a bit of a Allusion anyways..[not illusion, allusion (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allusion), btw]) Um.. maybe "The bubbles swarmed up, as if life itself abandoning me." or "up faster than my blurring eyesight could see" something relating to drowning I guess.. (and not race horses.. sorry again if this sounds mean!)

Ohh, just as a side note, after inhaling x-amount of water people get knocked out.. not that it really matters in a story.. but it's a good way to commit suicide. (it's hard to inhale water though)

And lastley.. the ending could maybe be altered. (maybe.. if you felt like it) Perhaps relating to the tile of the peice? "And so I continued to sink until I finally hit the bottom. Then it occured to me.. no, I'm not sure. Maybe I still want to live! But it was too late.. everything became dark, my eyes shut, never to open again." or just a few finishing words saying why the person wanted to drown.. or.. whatever else you can think of.
(sorry for length)

Wow that's some pretty good critiscm! I should use some of that for my own stories. But the reason why I said that is because of what happened to my friend who was given something called "creative critiscm" by some jerk and pretty much told my friend that her poem sucked that she posted on a forum. So, I really appreciate you putting it like that and being subtle about it! Idk why I'm making a big deal out of it, but it makes me happy that you're polite.

-Jen

[Moody Strawberry]

I loved this, probably because I love tragedies. Tragedies, like ink as black as night, seeping into my skin, enshrouding me in beautiful darkness...

[Cherry]

Wow! I really liked the imagery and final thoughts that the first person was having. I could completely see it all in my head.. *shivers from the cold water*

This is just an attempt at constructive criticism, so don't think that I don't like the way you write things! (it's lovely actually!) It's just this one line kinda broke it for me..

the choice of comparison words.. kinda caught me off guard I guess. Perhaps change "Kentucky Racehorse" (as it is a bit of a Allusion anyways..[not illusion, allusion (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allusion), btw]) Um.. maybe "The bubbles swarmed up, as if life itself abandoning me." or "up faster than my blurring eyesight could see" something relating to drowning I guess.. (and not race horses.. sorry again if this sounds mean!)

Ohh, just as a side note, after inhaling x-amount of water people get knocked out.. not that it really matters in a story.. but it's a good way to commit suicide. (it's hard to inhale water though)

And lastley.. the ending could maybe be altered. (maybe.. if you felt like it) Perhaps relating to the tile of the peice? "And so I continued to sink until I finally hit the bottom. Then it occured to me.. no, I'm not sure. Maybe I still want to live! But it was too late.. everything became dark, my eyes shut, never to open again." or just a few finishing words saying why the person wanted to drown.. or.. whatever else you can think of.

My words are just to critique! Please use them however you may.. or just forget I ever said them! Which ever works best for you.
(sorry for length)

Hehe, thank you for typing that all out! I like criticsm. Lets me get into your mind. MUAHAHA!!!

....Anyways, about the racehorses, that is how that particular person thinks. I know you don;t know that, but I am the author and authors always have difficulties trying to tell people what they are thinking, I think. Anyway, that particular person also repeats him/herself (haven't decided... :?) so that is why I did in the writing. thank you for all the crits!! <3 Hmm, yes, I wanted to the ending to be mysterious, as I may or may not continue the story, and I like people to use their imaginations to the ending. Perhaps they died. Perhaps the person was saved before they completely died. Perhaps the person went to a land far greater than earth and had adventures there. Or perhaps, they were mourned upon so much, their family went all pirate and raided the seas, looking for the ghost of their child. :o :D

[Cherry]

Wow that's some pretty good critiscm! I should use some of that for my own stories. But the reason why I said that is because of what happened to my friend who was given something called "creative critiscm" by some jerk and pretty much told my friend that her poem sucked that she posted on a forum. So, I really appreciate you putting it like that and being subtle about it! Idk why I'm making a big deal out of it, but it makes me happy that you're polite.

-Jen

I'm happy, too. Whee party!! :D :D

..okay party over. :(

[Cherry]

Hehe, thanks! Wow, you're good at that :D Do you write poems/stories? Care to share?

I loved this, probably because I love tragedies. Tragedies, like ink as black as night, seeping into my skin, enshrouding me in beautiful darkness...

[Moody Strawberry]

Hehe, thanks! Wow, you're good at that :D Do you write poems/stories? Care to share?
I'm only really good with metaphors and adjectives, but maybe I can find something...I like adjectives :yum:

[Lavendre]

The emotion was amazing, and had an excellent reflection of your personal style, Cherry. I like the idea of the family raiding the seas "for the ghost of their lost child", too... I say run with it, honestly!

[LolitaMaiko]

Idk why I'm making a big deal out of it, but it makes me happy that you're polite.-Jen
Thank you! I really tried to stress that I don't want to hurt peoples feelings or anything! It takes guts to show off something you made.. then have someone telling you how they would prefer it written doesn't hit the spot very nicely. So your post was appreciated~ :D
-=-=-=-=-=-
... but I am the author and authors always have difficulties trying to tell people what they are thinking, I think..I like this line... :)


....Or perhaps, they were mourned upon so much, their family went all pirate and raided the seas, looking for the ghost of their child.
[sarcasm]Deep! So deep! You really know how to bring a story like this all together! The way you tangle with readers feelings and create an ending beyond imagination![/sarcam]

Ha ha.. heh.. sorry, I couldn't help myself. Just babbling, don't mind me! But I see what you mean. The countless "classic" stories that english teachers made us read with un-finished endings got to me. One time I ended a story like that just to annoy the teacher! But I see how your story could end like that and still be finished nicely. (Well.. maybe with a little less "...., ...... ....!" at the end when it gets published into a book, ok? ;) ) But the undetermined ending does work well in eyes of someone drowning. As the discriptive language cuts out, and the image isn't so vivid in your mind, it's just like the drowning person having everything go dark and blurry for him at the end! Bravo!~
-=-=-=-=-
Moody Strawberry, "Sing of morning, sing of noon. Sing about the evening moon. Feel the darkness, touch the black. Hear the shadows whisper back" (no, not mine, I read it in a book once and it stuck with me)

[Cherry]

TeeHee, Okay ;) Thanks for your input!